hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
