I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
