I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
