I am in a vortex of obligation.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
