First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
