3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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