Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
