I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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