i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
