My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
