Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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