so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
