I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
