Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
