I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
