When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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