i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
