no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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