I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
