You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
