just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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