Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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