Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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