Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
