If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
