the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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