you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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