the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
