last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
