You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
