Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
