ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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