I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
