I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
