i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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