I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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