nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
