You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
