I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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