So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
