Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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