she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
