First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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