She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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