I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
