Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
