why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
