I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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