if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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