drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
