The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
