I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
