Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
