My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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