So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
