Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize