I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
