Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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